ISLAMABAD — Following an unspoken national referendum conducted entirely through passive-aggressive tweets and tea-stall murmurs, the entire country has unanimously decided to once again blame all current, past, and future problems on the elusive and all-powerful entity known simply as “The System.”
This marks the 487th consecutive week that “The System” has been formally held responsible for events ranging from chronic electricity outages to someone’s cat refusing to come back inside despite repeated emotional appeals.
“I was trying to microwave biryani and the power went out exactly at the emotional climax of the beep,” said one disgruntled resident of Faisalabad. “That’s classic system behavior.”
Reports indicate that “The System” has also been blamed this week for the following: one auntie’s dream about her chappal breaking (which later came true), the national cricket team losing after winning for a bit, a naan falling butter-side down, and a pigeon staring judgmentally into a living room window for 17 minutes straight.
Meanwhile, confusion remains over what “The System” actually is. Is it the government? The weather? Uncle Saleem’s connections in the Water Board? A haunted fax machine from the Zia era? No one is sure. But everyone agrees it’s deeply flawed, highly manipulative, and somehow also responsible for the rise in wedding hall buffet prices.
In an unrelated incident, a man in Karachi attempted to take personal responsibility for a parking ticket he received after leaving his Corolla in a roundabout. He was immediately shouted down by onlookers and told to “get a grip.” The parking officer, visibly emotional, tore up the ticket and whispered, “Yes. The System. It gets us all.”
Despite its poor track record, “The System” enjoys near-universal popularity as a conversational escape hatch. New research finds that invoking it instantly ends arguments, frees one from accountability, and causes relatives to nod solemnly while stirring tea.
At press time, “The System” was reportedly seen ghosting a therapist and writing vague Instagram captions like “lost in the loop I created”.