Islamabad — In a groundbreaking economic update that has left samosa vendors cautiously hopeful, Finance Minister Muhammad Aurangzeb announced that thanks to a spectacular agriculture growth of 0.56%, Pakistani citizens may soon be able to afford two samosas instead of just one. Yes, two.
“Yes, you heard that right,” the minister proclaimed, as economists everywhere tried to figure out how half a percent growth in agriculture translates to an increased samosa count.
The official GDP growth clocked in at 2.7%, which experts say is like a turtle jogging—not exactly winning any races, but hey, at least it’s moving. Agriculture growth was reported at around 0.56%, just enough to keep your aloo supply from disappearing entirely, although the cotton and wheat sectors seem to be on a longer vacation.
Construction sector growth of 6.61% means more buildings are going up. “Great news if you're a crane operator or a billionaire,” joked Karachi resident Bilal Hussain. “Meanwhile, the rest of us are just hoping to find a samosa stall that hasn't hiked prices.”
Debt is “down” to 65% of GDP, which the government calls “a step in the right direction,” while economists nod politely and whisper that it’s basically like stepping on a scale, seeing you’ve lost five pounds but still have fifty more to go—and your pants still hate you. The Finance Ministry assures everyone Pakistan is “on the path to fiscal stability,” which is economist-speak for “we’re still broke but trying really hard to look busy.”
If this trend keeps up, the Finance Minister optimistically hinted, maybe one day a third samosa won’t be off the table. Though frankly, nobody’s quite sure where this mythical third samosa is coming from, or if it’ll come with extra chutney or just more IOUs. Some speculate the bill might be footed by the kebab guy down the street, or possibly charged to the chaiwala’s tab — because when you’re dealing with national debt, you start accepting payments in spicy snacks and strong tea.
Remittances have surged 30.9%, which basically means Pakistanis abroad are working overtime to fund the national pastime of staring at electricity bills. The government’s plan to boost this economic sector next year involves sending all the electrical engineers at WAPDA abroad to bring in more money. One official was overheard saying, “I think we can afford 4-5 additional loadshedding hours, it’s for the economy.”
As the economy ‘recovers,’ many citizens are embracing new hobbies like counting pennies, staring at power outage schedules, and mastering the skill of looking optimistic while wondering what those GDP figures actually do.